Jokes for the Week

A Joke Backfires

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and
better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was
shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter
and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It
suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of
another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing
there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Author is Unknown

No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!

Author is Unknown