Channel of Healing

Enjoy and be Blessed Catholic vs. Jewish Debate About a century or so ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less reputation to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the ...

The Dead Church A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said. Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guil...

Question and answer Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers! Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms! Q: When was the longest day in the Bible? A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice. Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin' Catholic! Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!' Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions! Try to help the people A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the...

  1) A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.” The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.” 2) A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" 3) A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." 4) An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming t...

In God's Time A man is talking to God. The man asks God how much a million years is to him God says that it's a second. Then he asks how much a million dollars is to him God says it's a penny. So the man asked, "God can I have a penny?" And God replied, " Just a second ." Revival After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" Adam's Rib At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the wee...

So Far, So Good So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Thank you. In Jesus name. Amen Author is Unknown In God's Time A man is talking to God. The man asks God how much a million years is to him God says that it's a second. Then he asks how much a million dollars is to him God says it's a penny. So the man asked, "God can I have a penny?" And God replied, "Just a second." Author is Unknown Bless this Sermon A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your...

Good Sermon After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!" Flattered Minister A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than t...

The Pastor, the Vicar, and the Atheist One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says," Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!" So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them. Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says," Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!" And like the Pastor the Vicar exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait. When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells," Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!" and proceeds to climb out of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this point the Pastor says," Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"   The Angry Atheist The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in sci...

How many charismatic's does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway. How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!! How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness. How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today. How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only. How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb? How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock...

A Special Hymn A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: " Shall We Gather at the River ." Author is Unknown Boring Pastor An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. " Where would you like to sit ?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor ...

We'll Be Saved There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling. "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said. "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week," said the second man. The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does it make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to die!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week. I tithe. My pastor will find me!"   Helpful Prayer Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a pray...

The Rabbi's Son There once was a Rabbi. His son was quickly reaching adulthood and he felt his son just didn't have the appreciation for the Jewish religion that an adult should have so he decided to send him on a trip to the holy lands to get a first hand look at Jewish culture. The boy came back from the trip and the father was asking him how it went. "Oh it was really great dad, thanks! But, I must tell you that i'm a Christian now." The father was none too pleased and felt he had to do something but didn't know what. he went to a fellow Rabbi and told him the situation. The Rabbi exclaimed, "don't look at me! I sent my son to Jerusalem and he came back a Christian also. Their combined opinion was that it was a conspiracy and decided to go to the Head Rabbi. The Head Rabbi exclaimed, "Don't look at me! I too sent my son to Jerusalem and he came back a Christian. this is something we MUST pray over." All three kneeled and prayed...

You're Under Arrest Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies...

Heavens A Protestant minister was in a teasing mood one day. He met his friend, Rabbi Levy, and began, "You know, Rabbi Levi, I dreamed of a Jewish heaven the other night. It was very lifelike and seemed to me to fit the Jewish ideal. It was much like a crowded street in Brooklyn, with Jewish people everywhere. There were clothes on the line from every window, women on every stoop, pushcart peddlers on every corner, children playing ball on every street. The noise and confusion was so great that I woke up." "Hmmm," said the Rabbi. "By a strange coincidence I dreamed the other night of the Protestant heaven. It was very lifelike, and seemed to me to suit the Protestant ideal. It was a neat suburb, with well-spaced houses in excellent condition, beautiful lawns, and flower beds at each home. The clean, wide streets were immersed in mild sunshine." The Protestant minister smiled, "And the people?" "People," muttered Rabbi Levi, "...

WET PANTS Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened.  It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat." He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy'...

The Children of Israel Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't finger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" " What I wanna know is this ," demanded Joey. " What! wuz all the grown-ups doin ?" The Greek Priest A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stop...

Greetings in the  mighty Name of the Lord!!! Falling Off The Horse The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, " All right , just half of you this time !" Author is Unknown Lesson in Lying A minister told his congregation, " Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying . To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, " Mark has only sixteen chapters . I will now proceed with my sermo...

A Joke Backfires A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The con...

Locked Car Door A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Thi...

Revival After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" Author is Unknown Secret Sin Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring." The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors." The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out...