JOKES

A Very Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout,
"There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!!
I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord.
I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD.
He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Author is Unknown

Out Of Gas

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow
a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would
care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After
looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she
was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and
carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other
and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

Author is Unknown

Out of Luck

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Author is Unknown

Divine Advice

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had
into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort
he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible
in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit
down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but
finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you
see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The
man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman
pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in
thanks for his advice.

The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Author is Unknown

Have Faith My Child

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared!
Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."

"Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over.
"I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."

"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."

"Only what, my child?"

"Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"

"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."

Author is Unknown