The Dead Church
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
The Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge.
I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"