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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Beloved brothers and Sisters in Christ Jesus here is what I thought is a Great outlook on love/marriage. Enjoy! This is kind of long, but it makes some interesting points.

By Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize 10 insights.

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check for: Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity? Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do? Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved.-to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. Then the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife.

4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry and compatibility b) Share common interests c) Share common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals. 5.         You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

 6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

7.You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit;

8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.

10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one priority. And that's not basis for a marriage. Many people are struggling because they have not used what God has given them. God gives you an acorn; you invest it and it will become a tree! Stop praying for trees while acorns are lying all over the ground. God answered your prayer for the tree when he sent you the acorn.




11 Readers Commented:

  1. Well, I won't even get started on how many of these I can relate to :-( and why. Thanks for sharing though.

  2. God bless you Tkwi, would want you to trust God in making all things beautiful in it's time.
    Open your mind and see that God has blessed you through your Children.
    Jesus Loves you and He is your first love

  3. Nothing ever is too long Channelofhealing, and if it is we do need that kind of lesson, it tests our patience also, lol. This is great post, and I enjoyed reading every bit of it. I tell you through my 10 years of marriage we went through little things as in pointed out in each item above, but we were lucky to recognize it and continue to do what is right. As much as sometimes we felt that we got married for wrong reasons, we did not. Things got better over the years as we matured. Thanks for sharing, this is great post and education of all of us. Anna :)

  4. As always they say Experience is the besty teacher but I ntell you to learn from experience is a very painful thing... lol.
    Thank God you and hubby are working towards making your marriage the best you can. like my husband told me years back, He said... you are not the best woman, neither am I the best man in the world but together we can be the best option for each other.

    so Anna with God on our side we shall make it as long as we obey and not leap before we look.


  5. Channelofhealing, you said: 'He said... you are not the best woman, neither am I the best man in the world but together we can be the best option for each other.' - absolutely right, I think it is same with us, when we try to do things alone, they are not the best, but when we work on something together, we get the best result. This is well said, and I am going to tell this to my husband, he will like that. Thanks for sharing, its beautiful, and God bless you two. Anna :)

  6. To God be the Glory!!! Anna that was what my husband told me about 12 years ago though nwe were not married then we were having some issues with our future with each other and all that comes with it but when He said that I knew, God has led me tothe right man never looked backed since and never will in Jesus Mighty NAme Amen.

    Godbless you for returning to reply. takes dedication I say again.
    Love you

  7. Channelofhealing, you know I think it is better to have some issues, than to have this one perfect life, it is all part of the one big lesson. You know it really teaches you a lot. I still say, God knows what He is doing and always will. I think me and you are blessed with husbands that have common sense, because trust me there are man and woman, that just walk away from issues and continue same issues in the next cycle. Hey I enjoy being back every time. Anna :)

  8. Anna Could't agree more with you, it is always better to face these issues head on, especially when you have love, even if it is a little love for one another from there it grows to something bigger... "you know what I mean".
    My husband at the earlier days we have so many problems,you would think we are breaking up any minute or so,so many people where against us and many even thought there wasn't enpough future for both of us... but guess what when God did our wedding, they were all surprised and ashamed.

    the thing is marrying your friend is the key to long lasting relationships, if I had gone for a man who was set in life maybe it would be a different story today.

    I know God is with us, you know we women we are very emotional Having a strong willed husband like you said... husbands with common sense can only be a Miracle.
    thanks for coming back everytime... enjoying the conversation. love ya!

    Godbless you

  9. Channelofhealing, thanks for sharing all that with me. You and me are blessed with our husbands. I look back, and sometimes am to ashamed what stupid things we fought about, but then all that grew into something bigger. Everytime we took those issues out on the table, our relationship grew stronger and stronger. Don't get me wrong, but they were sometimes very stupid issues and now we laugh about it, lol, but it did some good to us. Again and again, thanks for all your thoughts, and good stuff you always bring on the table, you are a real blessing. Anna :)

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  11. Anna, Me too! it is funny how we used to argue over stuff that was unimportant and it would end up ruining smething special but in the end we gave our emotions over to the Lord, and He has been controlling us I tell you.

    So many women are not that favoured so We are blessed for our husbands. people may say "oh look Anna and her husband love each other so much" not knowing the sacrifice that must have gone into the relationship.

    Thank God for love in Jesus Mighty Name Amen.



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