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Quotes For The Week

Beware, I pray thee, of presuming that thou art saved. If thy heart be renewed, if thou shalt hate the things that thou didst once love, and...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

JOKES FOR THE WEEK

A Special Hymn

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


Blackmail

Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.
His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.
"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.
"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.
Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.
He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."


False Illusions

A man who had died was waiting at heavens gate to enter the kingdom of God. He had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He had foregone all the earthly pleasures and just knew his rewards were going to be great. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind how much great fun he was going to have in heaven.
As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines, and laughter and merriment echoed through the sky. Yes, that was what he had expected it would be like.
His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to you, I would like to live on that cloud!" The escort told the man that it was not possible and that what awaited him was far greater anyway. However, the man persisted so the escort asked him to wait while he went to talk to the "Boss". Upon returning, the escort stated the "Boss" had always allowed people to choose but made it clear that he would be much happier in his originally intended home. The man replied, "I have often thought of what heaven would be like and forgone the pleasures on earth to get my reward here, so if it’s all the same to you, I want to live on that cloud." The escort sighed, and then granted his wish.
In an instant, the man was standing in the hottest, smelliest, and most disgusting place he had ever seen in his whole life. The strange noises were blood curdling and the whole place was chaos. He was in Hell.
An escort arrived to take him to his job. "Job?" the man replied. "Yes, we work hard down here," said the escort. There must be some mistake; the place I requested was a nice cloud with people singing, dancing, and having the best time of their life!" The escort looked puzzled at first and then started laughing hysterically. The man asked why the escort was laughing so hard. The escort replied, "You new people are so funny- you think you can show up here and get an assignment in the advertising department! You think you can get a promotion like that right away!"



Visiting Pastor

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10


Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?""Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then



Father Murphy

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Well, if it's that obvious to a child...

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...
"Then which does God believe?"

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